I feel battered down, broken, torn beyond repair. Ripped apart, stepped on, left without care. Abandoned, forgotten, erased never there. I guess I wasn't good enough, I didn't do everything right. I tried my hardest DAMN IT, that should count for something right??? These tears will soon dry, and my heart start to mend i will never forget you i vow, for you've helped make me who i am!

I HATE you. I hate you for what you've done to me and how you made me feel. I hate they way you broke my heart to never fully heal. I hate that it was so easy for you to walk away. I hate the way i want you in every single way. I hate that you act like we never happened at all. I hate that this doesn't seem to affect you, no not at all. I hate that i'm always thinking about you, even when i'm not trying. I hate when I think what could of been, and then I start crying. I hate that I can't hate you, no matter how I feel. Despite all that you've done to me, my love for you is real.Everything happens for a reason, i try to tell myself. It obviously wasn't meant to be, but that doesn't really help. It doesn't make me stop missing you or feeling so lonely inside. Or feeling that it's all my fault, even though I really tried. Forever I will love you, that will never change. But now i have to walk alone and will never be the same. 

Confessions of a mom!

Confessions of a mom:
*When we say we didn't get any sleep the night before, it's not because we were up partying or having a crazy night. It's because a child was up all night sick.

*When we say we have a busy night ahead of us, it's not because we have plans to go out on the town. It's because we have to cook dinner, feed kids, bathe them , do homework/story time, put them to bed, clean the house, take out the trash, get a shower ourselves and maybe get to bed before 1 am.

*When our vehicle has trash and cups all over it it's not because were lazy. It's because we were running late and drive-thru was all we had time for.

*When our nice white carpet and walls have stains and hand prints on them it isn't because we don't want to clean. It's because our child got mad and threw their cup of juice that will NOT come out even if you used straight bleach or rubber their hand in ketchup and smeared it on the walls and it stained the cheap ass paint.

*When your child is walking around with one or no shoes on, it isn't because we let them dress their selves. It's because they got mad at you in the car and threw one or both of their shoes out the window on the freeway!

*When a quiet night at home doesn't consist of anything romantic. But that the kids went to bed without screaming for 35 minutes and we get to bed at a decent hour.

*When a romantic evening costs less then $20 and you don't have to leave your house. Consisting of nothing more than no kids, take out, and a red box movie.

The simple things in life I suppose, but kids make your life worth while!!!

WTF???

Okay so i just finished watching the movie The 19th Wife and I have to say it's a good movie and brings real insight into the subject. Polygamy does still happen today and has been more made aware of by the hit T.V. show 'Sister Wives'. I decided to do some research on the subject to figure out WHY someone would want to be a polygamist and there beliefs. Polygamy is a sick way for old horny men to have as many wives as he wants and at illegal ages, some as young as 11 or 12. I fully beieve in freedom of religion, but what are people thinking. Polygamy is modern day slavery at it's finest. The whole fundamentals of polygamy is to please God by pleasing your husband and bearing him many children to do the same and create an Army for the Lord for the end times. The whole point is to break a persons will, even from infancy. A crying baby is not to cry, if it does they are to do one of two things: hold its nose and mouth firmly, or place the babies head under running water (can you say "child abuse"?) Their vocabulary is stripped of words like "I", "we", and "me", and it is also against the rules to laugh! The "prophet" said to be "ordained" by God is the leader in these colonies (CULTS?).

 "Soon after puberty, girls are assigned by the “prophet” to a husband, usually an older man. Men need at least three wives to get into the “celestial kingdom.” A woman can only be “celestialized” if she pleases her husband." - http://www.religionnewsblog.com/11118/cult-stories-enough-to-make-you-want-to-cry

Polygamist believe that if they disobey their husband, or for some reason become unmarried (by death, and do not remarry) that they will not go to Heaven.

Someone needs to send a bible to these people and spread the REAL Word of God to them.  The Bible states that marriage is for ONE man to be married to ONE woman.  Not to 10, 20, 50 or even 100 women. It is sad that people actually live this way, some women find the strength to leave the cults and spread their story of "Hell on Earth". I give them props especially because it is dangerous. This world and the people in it will never cease to amaze me. If you want to read a remarkable story of Polygamy pick up "The 19th wife" by David Ebershoff. A story of miss Ann Eliza Young who escaped a polygamy colony.

^^Darkness^^

As darkness falls like a blanket,

enveloping every aspect of light, 

the night prowlers come out to play. 

As crimson tears fall from my eyes, 

I sit alone in this darkening place I call my life. 

I dwell in the darkness, 

flourishing and infatuated with it.

It feels like home to me, 

familiar, 

the place for me. 

So many are afraid of the dark, 

of the secrets and mysteries that it holds. 

Maybe because they feel helpless or out of place, 

or maybe just scared of what they will find or learn about themselves. 

But the darkness is my refuge, 

my safe haven far from anyone else. 

A place to think, 

to feel without judgment.

TRUE PLEASURE, 

TRUE ECSTACY, 

dwells in the darkness. 

The point that every person longs for, 

but is deathly afraid to find. 

Where mind, 

body and soul are so closely intertwined it's almost impossible to pull one from the others. Where nothing is impossible. 

This is the night, 

the dark and this is where I dwell.....

Ms. Rivard wrote Sept.2nd 2009 @ 8:36 p.m. 

A Father's Day Poem

To the person who made me who I am today,

To the one who always believed.

To the one who stands beside me,

and says they'll never leave.

To the person who gives me strength,

even as I am weak.

To the one who gave light to my dreams,

and told me to be anything I wanted to be.

To the person who is there at 3am,

when I just need to talk.

On this fathers day I send my love to 

my strength,

my rock,

my MOM! 

CRAZY Weather!!!!!

Ok so i am going through the CRAZIEST weather here in INDIANA!  This is only the second round of the storm and we have had heavy rain, quarter-size hail (see pictures below), strong winds, funnel clouds and rotation, and 3 tornado sightings one of which touched down not far from my house. The 3rd round of this storm is said to hit here in about a half hour and i'm kinda freaked out.... I'm sure i will be up most of the night checking the weather online because i don't have TV or radio in the house.... Below i have posted pictures of the sky throughout the storm and after... I'll post pictures of the 3rd storm when it hit....*trembles*

 1st: during storm

2nd: Quarter-sized hail for 2nd floor balcony

3rd: Sky 3 minutes after storm

 Ok, so the 3rd round of the storm was kinda disappointing... It starting lightning at about 11:30pm then some strong wind. power went out for about 5 minutes and then some heavy rain. That was it!!!! All this hype about the 3rd storm will be the worst, and take cover before it gets to your county, and tornado warnings for the entire state, and all I get it 15 minutes worth of not so bad weather.... Ugh, it was a waste of my time to track the damn thing.. Oh well, got a few cool pictures and a lazy day in the house watchin movies! And the rain helped me get a GREAT nights sleep!